Category: 2016

It is impossible to describe to the uninitiated the powers of (If I ever go to Kenya on safari, there’s no way I’d spend a night in a tent. It’s NUTS! I just don’t see the appeal?) concentration required to bat a really long innings.

Test match cricketers who’ve done this have often returned to the pavilion several lbs lighter, because (Believe it or not?) thinking burns up (I believe it, because I looked this up beforehand. Chess players burn a surprisingly high amount of calories during a game. Perhaps that’s why some people claim it should be categorised as a sport and included in the Olympics? Imagine buying tickets for the Olympics and then watching chess for hours? Screw that!) a lot of energy.

The “golf ball” drinking game was probably not the best preparation the night before our big game on the Saturday of our tour to Portugal? This hadn’t really occurred to me, as I walked out to open the innings with Philip Bowes. Although his dash back to the pavilion to take a dump, just as we were about to step forth, was (Looking back) an indicator that perhaps all was not quite as well as it could be?

The previous night’s festivities had brought us in to contact with many of the Coimbra Knights’ players, including one by the name of Colin. Colin (A shy, retired naval engineer, built like shed and with the occasional opinion on absolutely anything) had been challenged by Bowes to a drinking race. Bowes had necked his caneca in less than 6 seconds, leaving Colin high and dry. Technically the winner, Phil immediately burst in to a technicoloured conversation with a wall before returning to the party. Hiatus concluded, we strode out to the middle…

There were some of the opposition we had never met before. Most of these resembled ringers flown in especially from India. Phil (Now quite puce) had informed me that I was definitely facing the first ball as he simply couldn’t. We were playing at the same venue as the previous day, on the same BRAND NEW FLICX TRACK THAT HAD PLAYED SO WELL THE DAY BEFORE (That’s odd. I wonder why I typed that in bold, italic, capital letters?). Yesterday they hadn’t had any quick bowlers, but today one of the “ringers” was opening, and he looked whippy. Also, yesterday I had (perhaps unwisely) left a dead straight full toss and only scored three runs. Nobody wants a duck on tour. I have to sleep with these people! I was feeling unnerved.

The guy ran in. His arm whipped over. My eyes tracked to where the ball should be in accordance with his arm speed and I played a shot at thin air. The ball then bumbled past, on its way to the keeper. Ill Phil might be, but wise he was. The Golf Ball had clearly found its way in to my glass too often too and I was struggling.

The third ball was a juicy short ball and I was able to hook it for four, losing the ball for long enough to allow Phil to chunder more of last night over the boundary edge. Sweaty, pale and having lost the best part of himself from either end of his anatomy, Phil said “I’m not good, but I’ll be fine.”

The complexity of this statement was rather lost on me, but he was every bit true to his word. By the time I departed for 17, Phil had already begun a ferocious onslaught of boundaries. It was like watching a knackered, pale Ghandi rise from hunger strike and beat the hell out of Mike Tyson. It was vindictive and vicious and completely out of context with the outpatient I’d opened the batting with.

I don’t know what the score was when I got cleaned up, because the scorebook was not being done. Which on a serious note – Is poor. They had a guy scoring and he didn’t know how to do it. We had plenty of guys who could and should have gone and helped, but didn’t. I’m guessing it was thirty-something in the sixth over?

Wembo to the crease and the book says he started with a 7. I don’t know if I can trust the book, I was in the changing room taking my pads off when it happened? What I do know is that Wembo had the box seat for Bowes’s magnificent fireworks display which ended on 41 in an over that I cannot distinguish as somebody has used “w” for both wides and wickets. It was a sparkler of an innings however. 41 and only 19 balls faced.

Actually more impressive to me was that Phil walked off, removed his pads, bought three pints, took them over to the scorer and his mate who was updating the scoreboard and immediately started doing the book (And drinking beer). Now, I hadn’t thought of doing this, but in my defence I had gone out to umpire. So if this makes any tourists feel guilty? Rightly so!! Brilliantly done, Phil.

Arise Sir Jonty! The two Aussies set about their task of instilling some order to a game which had thus far produced both quick wickets and even quicker runs.

It was a treat to be umpiring during this partnership. The pair used the time between overs to talk tactics and settle on a plan to each bowler. It was almost as if they’d played before?

Wembo in particular seemed to be in determined mode. His first fifty came off 72 balls. His second, just 22. Jonty made a run a ball fifty and was caught on the 51^st.

Jonty left to rapturous applause, followed by the silence of anticipation as Naveen took strike, facing a double duck. I have a lot of respect for Nav, and the prospect of him getting the C.O.A.T. award for failing miserably is not a happy thought. Still, everyone likes a good beheading, so all eyes were on him.

Before he’d gone out to bat, Nav and I had chatted and he had said to me “I don’t care what else happens, I just want to make a run”. He returned with his wish fulfilled. Clean bowled for one, second ball.

The Anzac’s were at play as Jabez threaded his way to the crease. The show continued as Wembridge started hitting the high notes of his innings and Kantor joined in with a heavy onslaught of boundaries too. Wembo clocked up 6 sixes in his second fifty before being bowled. Having reached his tonne he had attempted to run himself out, in a bid to win the “Who would be involved in the most runouts” category (Wembo had voted for himself in every billing. Some might say he’s competitive?). The New Zealander, ever watchful of his teammate’s antics had sent him back, not wishing to play such silly games. A fabulous innings concluded, Lord Wembridge left to the applause of all those watching and that of Lady Wembridge, who had had her back to the game throughout.

Jabez returned for a run a ball 28 and Khalid didn’t hang around long, punching a four and a six. Both were caught attempting to heave more boundaries.

Veith, who had done so well the day before threw his hat in to the duck ring with a golden bird, but the damage had been done and when all 40 overs ended with Sam Cross Not Out on nine and Praf yet to score, MCC had made 287 for 8.

It had not gone unnoticed that opposition player Colin (Phil’s drinking outspoken partner from the night before) had contributed sod all to the game thus far. We had plans for Colin…

Lunch was a splendidly well-presented and I’m happy to lavish yet more praise on the hosts WAGS for their hospitality. They were absolute troopers!

Ready for phase two, we had noticed that the walking barn that was Colin had padded up to open the batting with the most athletic of the ringers, one Mr Vini.

MCC formed two rows for the opening batsmen to walk through so that Colin, an openly homophobic colossus, could be escorted to the crease to the sounds of the “Gay Bar”, by Electric Six. Manic dance-moves over, we prepared to begin our onslaught (At Colin).

We were mentally prepared for a fight. “These ringers must be here for a purpose” we reasoned, so we threw our heavy artillery at them from the off. Veith had Colin in all sorts for trouble, the big man playing a combination of intentional and not so intentional leaves.

Vini had a whole different approach and he set about smacking everything that came in to his half. Both Veith and Khalid were on his hit list, right up until Khalid found his rhythm and bowled him for 27 off of 14 balls.

Vini had set off at a good pace, but there was a gloom among his teammates as he walked off so early in the piece.

Colin looked on mournfully as the next three batsmen all left for naught. Khalid was having a field-day. Clean bowling two more and an LBW. The pressure was really on Colin as he was reminded ball after ball that he was still balancing precariously on zero. A strange tension fell before every delivery the big guy faced. I found myself wanting him to both fail and succeed in equal measure. He’d been the main source of entertainment for us for the past 36 hours, but would he win the bragging rights or not? Could we bear it if he did?

Finally the question was answered, as he pushed the ball in to space and took a single. MCC clapped and jeered the run and gave him the big “FO!” when he was the fifth of Khalid’s wickets, clean bowled the next ball he faced. Honours even.

The game was in trouble and so was Naveen. He’d amassed one run in two innings and hadn’t taken a wicket in two spells, thus far. Worse, Colin’s run had come off of him!

Captain “Military” (Manny had ordered a “medium” for a tour shirt, much to the amusement of all) had solemnly told Nav that this would be his final over. It took all six before the batsman finally drove one in to the back of his boot only for it to rebound back on to his stumps. A mightily relieved Naveen had just stepped decisively away from the C.O.A.T. award. His victim left in possession of the fourth duck of the innings.

Manav claimed a victim, Ali LBW to a creepy crawly thing that bumped in to the boot, second bounce. The umpire just nodded, presumably expecting the batsman to walk for an LBW? When finally he raised his finger, the batsman had lost interest and was preparing to face the next ball. Some exchanging of views ensued between the two and Ali trudged off to the dugout (This being a football pitch).

Cross and Toke returned wicketless from their spells, but the return of Veith yielded rewards. With one wicket remaining all eyes were on him to clinch the bowling award and surpass Khalid’s impressive haul, should he get it?

Get it he did as the last man picked out Jonty with laser precision on the boundary at cow. Veith finished with 3 for 20 off 4 and Khalid 5 for 14 from his 4. Veith claiming six for the tour to put him ahead. The Coimbra Knights all out for 68. It had all taken just 21 overs. Perfect for a thirsty touring side!

Drinks, grub and speeches done, we trundled back to our luxurious villas on the hill and changed in to our glad-rags for dinner with The Knights and WAGS in town. We had Lady Wembridge as our lone WAG representative, plus a Canadian stray who was dubiously linked to Jabez. Normally what goes on tour – stays on tour, but I think in this instance it is important to save any confusion and make matters quite clear. Despite both going missing for an extended hour before the start of the meal and she returning in a different dress (Returning the one Lady W had lent her ((which was immediately washed)) I have no doubts that the hapless Jabez’s intentions were completely honourable. The hapless Jabez proceeded to let her wreck the rest of his final night on tour, by vomiting herself all the way home with the gallant Kantor in tow. He missed the rest of the night, as we had moved on to pastures new by the time he arrived back at the restaurant. We finally hooked up with him again back at MCC Villas. He’d broken in (Not as difficult as it sounds when somebody leaves the door open) and was found sleeping in Khalid’s bed. If that isn’t flirting with danger, nothing is!?

It was Colin who had awarded Jabez with the C**t Of A Tour award. Not only had Colin pleasured us with his homophobic, big brash and bigoted points of view, but he had proved to be a seer, somehow knowing that Jabez was going to have an absolutely hideous night!

The night was still young for some of us, Phil, Jonty and I calling it a day at 7am. The following days saw a slow melting away of players in different directions as the season gently fell apart. It was an excellent finale of a tour.

It would be remiss of me not to add some thanks at the end of this report:

Thanks for organising the tour Praf. I hear that you may not be around next season? This would be a shame if true? You did a great job.

MCC is a club in permanent transition, with players past and present all over the world. I’ve loved being a part of the club in 2166 and all of the tours have been wonderful relief. It has certainly added just the right amount of insanity to my year to keep me sane and happy to live in Munich. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. So thanks to all of the movers and shakers on and off the committee. It’s been (Fuck, are you still reading this!? How come you haven’t made more runs this season?) an absolute pleasure. X

 Donna A. Thrive-Jell

Munich CC 158 (35.4 overs) (P. Toke 47, P. Bowes 33) defeated Amigos CC 64 (18.5 overs) (V. Gattinger 3-6, J. Deverill 2-1)

Man of the match: V. Gattinger

 

True aficionados of film and television will recognise the mid-1980s as a golden era of the motion picture. With breathtaking special effects developing in thrillers such as “The Terminator” and side-splitting comedies like “TheThree Amigos” paralysing audiences with laughter, it is not unreasonable to suggest that connoisseurs and the common man alike will be discussing such performances for many years to come.

 

On a slightly different but by no means unrelated note, the day had finally arrived for the long-awaited, first-ever MCC touring match to be played on Portuguese soil, or, at the very least, Portuguese concrete and astroturf. On this occasion the opposition would be comprised of no fewer than eleven Amigos but with smaller hats. Newfound sensations and stimuli dazzled the thrill-seeking MCC squad with their thirst for the unknown and the yet-to-be-experienced. Who had ever been to Portugal before? Who had ever played cricket on a synthetic football pitch? Who had ever been to a fancy restaurant that had just a single copy of the wine list and a waiter who fetched drinks one at a time after taking each and every friggin’ order?

After a hearty breakfast on the terraces of our luxurious “villas” at Camping Coimbra, the magnificent eleven piled into a convoy of vehicles on the “Highway to Hell” if the Portuguese radio station’s suggestions were to be taken seriously. After a few laps to warm up the tyres, the MCC were well on their way to the nearby suburb of Adémia where the Associação Desportiva e Cultural da Adémia awaited us with sunny skies, beery breath and barely intelligible northern accents. Although the notion of a team song had not been discussed, Mr Trololo’s greatest (and only) hit was blasted through the changerooms;  its words seemingly easier to understand than the locals. Actually, it turned out to be the only thing able to drown out the voice of local gasbag Colin, the well-inflated Coimbra Knights spectator who tirelessly cheered us on.

MCC arrived looking splendidly professional in their freshly printed tour shirts, sporting their customised tour names and the famous Galo de Barcelos. In fact, the tourists were even acting just like international athletes, given that every single player had cheerfully neglected to pay for their shirt at the time of writing this report, obviously being under the delusion that we have some sort of professional sponsorship arrangement. In any case, it seems as though they had had much better luck with last-minute shirt printing than our opposition. Indeed, the Amigos shirts were all printed with the same name due to an evident misunderstanding with the surprisingly even less professional Portuguese shirt-printing service. (Consequently, there were at least 11 “Skippers” on the field at any given time.)

After the toss, the MCC were sent in with Jonathan Deverill and Prafulla Toke kicking-off. Unfortunately JD was bowled for 3 with an early surprise from strike bowler Methab. In fact, it was much like the surprise he will receive on his credit card statement in a few weeks’ time given co-driver Jonty Altmann’s blatant disregard for Portuguese toll-road laws.

Naveen Aranchalum set sail to arrive next at the crease, only to get there, change his bearings 180 degrees and sail immediately back to shore. The Sat-Nav’s single ball voyage was soon forgotten about with the introduction of Khalid Butt, who kicked around with Toke for half an hour or so, netting a few, bouncing others off the woodwork and catching the bowlers offside but most importantly avoiding any penalty cards.

However, with the score on 45, the exceptional Butt was indeed red-carded with an LBW from the birthday bowling of Redhead, who, funnily enough, was bald. (Perhaps when sunburned?) Rather than butting heads with the bowler (or the umpire), Pak-Orient’s greatest loss magnanimously vacated the pitch with his 20 runs and allowed Andrew Wembridge a chance to offer the Amigos a little friendly fielding practice.

Finding himself snookered on 4, a sky-high top edge was potted by the fielder at mid-wicket off the bowling of Snook. O Wembo looked well on his way to claiming the “C**t of a Tour” title he was easily voted favourite to win. Phil Bowes, also at risk of claiming an unwanted title, promptly disbanded any fears that he may in fact win this season’s duck race. He contributed 33 of the 42-run partnership with tour organiser Smokin’ Toke, clouting the ball all over Adémia with five 4s and a 6. Unfortunately, he was caught getting high off the bowling of the now-feared “Methlab”, who had cooked up his third batch of M(CC)DMA.(And whose illegibly written name was unable to be read by our scorer.)

Coimbra’s finest Taxi driver Altmann was immediately off the mark with a boundary, but became Methlab’s fourth victim, overdosing without any further addition to his score. Kantor made his way into the centre and got ripped instantly, finding the boundary with his first puff. By this stage, the illicit substances had perked up the Joker, Smoker and Midnight Toker, who had earlier become a serious contender for the 2016 title of “MCC’s slowest, most boring batsman’ with one period of his innings comprising of 4 runs from about 40 balls. Toke smashed eight 4s around the field while high but fell victim just short of his 50 to his cold-hearted dealer; Methlab losing his fifth customer for the day.

The MCC’s withdrawal symptoms saw them sweating at 124/7. But, taking Nancy Reagan’s advice, Captain Manav just said ‘no’ and his cold-turkey approach appeared to be a success. He avoided flying higher in the duck race with four from his first ball. With just the poultry sum of 130 runs, Sam Cross and Jabez were clucking along nicely until the Englishman feathered one off the bowling of Clive of India. He was dismissed cheeply for 10 and relegated further down the (pecking) order. Veith Gattinger soared into the coop with two blistering fours before his kiwi partner was bowled by Tas and the MCC found themselves plucked for just 158.

The tea break boasted a well-set table with every place very thoughtfully adorned with a chilled beer, though at 1,60€ a pint, those enjoying their first at this hour were in the minority. The Amigo’s support squad WAGs had made a spectacular effort to provide a hot meal with only the most rudimentary appliances available at the club. Given the spectacular Portuguese weather, it would have probably been quicker to just leave the food on the roof in the blistering sun.

Very well fed and watered, Sat-Nav and Don Vito opened the bowling in style with the latter getting the first breakthrough against batman Adrian. (With assistance from the safest pair of kiwi claws in the squad.) Vito struck again soon thereafter snaring Tas for a duck, with the skipper securing the catch with the sheer of his magnificently magnetic hands. Altmann and Bowes then combined to dismiss Kevin for the second duck of the innings, with things looking very unfriendly for the Amigos at 3 for fuck-all. New batsman Redhead proved to be no match for Gattinger and Kantor who struck again, extinguishing him for just 1. Gattinger had his third wicket, earning him his man of the match winning Performance.

*PICTURE REMOVED DUE TO DATA PROTECTION LAWS*
The magnetic qualities of MCC Touring Skipper Manav Alagh’s hands extend well beyond the cricket field (Picture: James Kantor)

But, as anyone who has directly observed or struggled personally with substance abuse will be painfully aware, a methamphetamine habit is very difficult to kick; even the most successfully recovered junkies will know that relapsing is all too common. Yes, “Methlab” had returned with the bat and proceeded to continue the merciless exploitation of his hopelessly addicted flock, injecting a cocktail of 4s and 6s into the runchase.

With Cross unable to breakthrough, the druglord and opener Greg’s dangerous cartel ended up accounting for 90% of the Amigo’s illicit income. Finally it was Toke bowling his one and only over who managed to finally tear through the addiction, breaking bad(ly) Methlab’s wickets into pieces. And break badly the Amigos did, with a series of three runouts in quick succession all but sealing victory for the tourists. Clive of India was understandably left feeling a little high, dried and spicy after seemingly being safely in his ground, but poor old Snook was well and truly deceived while trying to sneak a run from a stealthy MCC overthrow.

JD lay the final blow on our convivial opponents to finish with two wickets, clean-bowling Drew to leave the Amigos with a not-so-chummy five ducks for the day and a not-so-welcome suggestion from the MCC that they could competitively participate in our race with such a good percentage. The day’s cricket finished oh-too-soon so it was decided to string together a quick 10 over match to pass the time. Scores were not recorded in any serious fashion, but MCC were victorious again in their run chase of 80 odd, getting off to a flying start of 1-30 from the first over without a single sundry and Khalid Butt causing considerable structural damage to the hall Roof.

Several dozen exchanges of 1.60€ later and the boys wisely decided that it was in our best interest to abandon the hire cars at the ground and celebrate into the evening for dinner at the ground, a slap-up feed being once again very kindly prepared by the local WAGs. After engaging in the merry banter and horseplay typical of an international touring squad, it was time for a little strategic investigation of our opposition for Saturday’s game. It turned out that our main information source was very adept at protecting team secrets and talking complete and utter bollocks but even better at protecting his beer from any stray golf balls circulating around. Destiny could wait but our next game was just a few tantalising hours away!

Wendi-Meg Breward

 

Saturday 8^th October, a warm and sunny morning, ideal conditions for stowing the nets and repairing the Flicx. What at first appeared to be the sort of task where most club members found they had more important things to do was actually well attended in the end with the club photographer also turning out to record the action for posterity.

The first task was to remove the poles from the training nets and bail the net itself ready for storage in the kit box over the winter. This was an easy and straightforward job and took only about 10 minutes to complete. There are several places in the nets where repairs are necessary before we use them next season – I almost wrote several holes in the nets but there would have been some clever sod waiting to make a comment.

Then came the difficult one, repairing the Flicx without Jonathon Wright or Andy Wembridge, the known exerts in this profession. However, yours truly and secretary Doug Giles had come prepared and brought cutters, punches and hammers, enough for two squads to work in unison. It transpired very quickly that Farid Otmankhil and Mudassir Ayub were the budding experts in removing faulty squares ready for new ones to be inserted. The club had invested several hundred euros in the repair kits which turned out to be a multi-coloured matting, perhaps in anticipation of Andy Wembridge turning out. Out newly found experts were very particular in ensuring the new coloured squares were positioned centrally behind the wicket, even to the extent of placing them, extracting then again and moving them to the correct position. All told it took some three hours or more to complete the task but we now have a very good pitch again.                                  

 

The happy crew posed for a photograph at the end of a task well done.

 

 

The weather was fine for the last home game of the season at the Hirschanger. The sun was shining, around 20°C, and I did my usual trick of cycling there in good time and realising half way that I had forgotten the keys, returned home and went by car. The two teams were there with two notable latecomers from MCC still “delayed”. Any guesses who they would be? They are always late and have ever more inventive excuses.

The ground was set up by the usual workers while the two usual non-workers stood around and took an eternity dressing in their whites so that when they were ready everything had been done. Not a very good club spirit. The Breakaways were one player short so when Usman finally arrived he was delegated to play for them.

Captain Ayub won the toss and chose to field as the opposition were still a few short at the start. The bowling was opened by Maihwand Khan, now finally splendidly dressed in whites and began with an interesting over of wide, wide, a foolish run out, two wides, boundary four, two wides, two leg byes, wide, wide, dot, foolish run out and dot. The breakaways were thus 2 down for 14 runs after one over. In his four overs Maihwand managed to bowl ten wide balls so actually had almost six overs. Imtiaz at the other end was more conservative with wides, bowling six only in his five overs and getting the first non-run-out wicket in his fourth with the score on 55. Waqas come on at first change and bowled a tight five overs. Hit first change partner Toke bowled three overs, went for two massive sixes, took one wicket and pleaded with the captain to let him keep from now on. Waqas was replaced by captain Ayub who made a strong challenge to improve his standing in the wide-boys race and Toke was replaced by Khan Mahmud. He bowled particularly well taking a wicket in each of his first four overs, the fifth being a maiden. Ex wicket keeper Barrett came on for the bunnies and took two wickets for three runs. MCC had fielded well with two run outs and five catches taken and the opposition were bowled out for 137 in 27.3 overs of a scheduled 35 over innings.

 

The scorer had had an enjoyable time sampling the Spätburgunder Weissherst, originally brought to the ground for the rained-off Curry and Whisky cup. The popping of the cork obviously woke Philip Crebbin who tuned up at half time and even brought Lady Tess along. He insisted on helping despatch the bottle arguing that it would be unhealthy for one person to sup it alone. Teas were provided by Barrett who was rebuked for not offering Halal meat and even more so for not knowing anything about Brigitte Bardot – is there any hope?

 

MCC opened their innings with Aneesh Kotru and Bhavsan, both very elegant batsmen and a joy to watch. Kotru departed with the score on 44 to be replaced by captain Ayub. Another 22 runs later Bhavsan left for another cup of tea and made way for double match fee payer Hashimi who only stayed a short while, putting on seven with Ayub for the third until the captain left. In came the top bowler, Khan Mahmud, put on one with Hashimi and then a splendid 25 for the fifth wicket with Bardot-knowledge-less Cassandra. Barrett and Bhat added another 36 for the sixth wicket, Bhat throwing it away after some loud barracking from next-man-in Toke. Barrett and Toke finished not out and the winning two runs (actually leg byes) were credited to Toke by the umpire

 

The vast number of non-playing supporters who had clearly visited the Oktoberfest the day before made a raucous background to the game. Actually only one turned up to support us, Wembridge dawdling in half way through the second innings. He actually finished the wicket gate to store away for next season despite the pain caused by the loud noise of the electric drill.

The playing kit bag and the tea urn etc. are now stored away in my cellar and we can look back on an enjoyable season with an unprecedented number of games played.

Kotru A, 15, bowled

Bhavsan, 20, bowled, 1 catch

*Ayub, 17, caught, 4 overs, 0 mdns, 18 runs, 0 wkts

Hashimi, 2, LBW

Khan Mahmud, 11, caught, 5 overs, 1 mdn, 16 runs, 4 wkts, 1 catch

+1 Barrett, 20*, 1.3 overs, 0 mdns, 3 runs, 2 wkts

Bhat, 18, LBW,

+2 Toke, 3*, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 23 runs, 1 wkt, 1 catch

Khan Waqas, DNB, 5 overs, 0 mdns, 18 runs, 0 wkts, 1 catch

Imtiaz, DNB, 5 overs, 0 mdns, 26 runs, 0 wkts, 1 catch

Khan Maihwand, DNB, 4 overs, 0 mdns, 31 runs, 0 wkts, 1 catch

MCC, 139 -6 in 31.2 overs, beat Breakaways, 137 – 10 in 27.3 overs by 4 wickets

MCC MOM:  Khan Mahmud

MCC Black 157-8 (30.0 overs) (T. K. Butt 65, X. Wides 29, J. Deverill 2-16, V. Gattinger 2-38) defeated by MCC Gold 158-6 (28.4 overs) (M. Ayub 50, J. Deverill 33*, P. Bowes 2-42)

Man of the match: T.K Butt

With seemingly precious little else to do, twenty-odd misfits set upon a surprisingly sundrenched Hirsch in an attempt to squeeze in what we always dread could very well be the last match before winter sets in – knowing full well that we’ll all soon be confined to 3 months of indoor physical activity, whether that be more team sports or simply going at it solo.

Indeed, the MCC was lacking a source of opponents for the weekend – unsurprising given just how fucking rude we are – though those interested decided to resort to the Fritzl-esque practice of an ‘Intra-club match’, where all sorts of adventures happen at home within one big happy family when no outsiders are in sight. A few key MCC stalwarts wisely stayed well-clear of the match, despite the beauty of the day. The moist but pristine condition of the grounds we likened by some to that of the well-manicured lady-garden of Caitlyn Jenner.

Captains Bowes and Wembridge set the scene early, literally, ensuring that the boundary flags were set at record distances before Jonathan “Schrebergarten” Deverill would have a chance to offer his input. Special mention goes to Craig Barrett who gleefully punched in the western flags a further 5 yards away to ensure that cow corner would be udderly impossible to reach.

Team selection was reminiscent of one of those American high school gym class scenes from shitty 80s sitcoms. Bowes and the newfound MCC Blacks won the toss and elected to bat, with the soon-to-be-thirty Jonty Altman facing the first ball from Imtiaz Ahmed at an impressively early 12:41pm. (Quite possibly an MCC club record) Unfortunately, the hirsuit South Australian whiskered an edge safely into the keeper’s gloves from Deverill’s second ball at the other end. Never one to dread the truth or bristle with his conscience, he hared straight back to the pavillion for a fag, sparing Umpire Waqas of what could have been a quite a shaggy decision.

Fans had flocked from afar to see King Khalid Butt join Abahjit at the crease. A strong bowling attack however constipated run-flow, eventually resulting in the latter ‘cracking the shits’ and Veith Gattinger digesting a catch from Imtiaz’ sharp boweling. Ring-in Junaid Butt maintained his record of 0 runs for the MCC but set the stage for Mahmoud Khan to support his majestic namesake. A partnership of 33 was built, Veith Gattinger greatly assisting by conceding 22 from his first over. This included a butt-load (3) of sixes and a series of yelps from hapless passers-by and their pets meandering along the eastern flank.

However, it wasn’t long before Khan found himself and his bat bogged down in the middle of the wet wicket. He desperately attempt to swim on his belly to the safety of the popping crease with some form of terra-canus paddle, sadly failing, and being run out for 17. Incoming Bowes managed to middle a few for his hard earned 5, before a deliciously sweet strike met the sticky hands of Matt Fudge, finally granting a turn of fortune for bowler Gattinger. Continuing the Veith, he trapped man-mountain Amin Khan attempting to scale cow corner, with sherpa Mudussir Ayub safely ensuring his return to base-camp.

Butt hustled along on his merry way beyond a well-crafted half-century, despite the tight bowling from Hashimi, Fudge and MCC resident wizard Charles Beresford. It was however the sorcerer’s apprentice Beresford Jr., with his magically deceptive looping, who snared the prized, hairy scalp of Butt, comprehensively stumped for a man-of-the-match deserving 65. Ending Elias’ spell, Captain Wembridge bravely brought himself on to bowl the last over against the dangerous Barrett. The MCC’s best-loved ginger waddled politely off the field shortly thereafter as Waqas Khan and Usman Sandhu brought the innings to a close of 157-8 from the full 30 overs allotment.

 

A JD-inspired tea interval was washed down with a few cups of Italian mint cordial before both teams realised that we’d forgotten to have a drinks break. For the first time ever, every single semmel was devoured, allowing the boys to experiment with all sorts of calorific alternatives; crisps wrapped in sliced cheese being heralded as a smashing gluten-free alternative.

 

MCC Gold, represented by Mudussir Ayub and Serendipper K. Ali, were able to face up to the first ball before 3pm – likely another MCC record if statistics were to be considered for intra-club matches. Punctuality aside, this was unfortunately no serendipitous cause for Ali to celebrate – he was tied in knots by Bowes’ opening over and conjured back to the pavillion by Umpire Beresford after just four balls. Maiwand Khan seemed to be still fatigued from his sharp 3-over spell, earning the second duck of the innings due to the well-seated bowling from Butt.

With subject expert Desmond Bradley taking a well-earned rest from the scorebook, the statistics understandably went to shit from this point, (they were fudged?) but it looks as if Ayub and Seyar Hashimi put on around 30 or so. It also suggests that there was a miserly 0-7 scored from two skillful Barrett overs, taking full advantage of the gigantic field. His worthy opponent Hashimi, who only just had the strength to crawl out of bed and sweat out his nasty fever, made a brave 19 before retiring with sheer exhaustion to allow the young Beresford his moment in the centre.

Beresford Jr. opened his account with a cracking cover drive, a certain four with any of JD’s boundaries, but Abajhit managed to break through his defences shortly after. Ayub brought up his chanceless fifty in style belting Bowes to the boundary before the captain got his revenge a mere two balls later, bringing the score to 94-5. Deverill and Fudge spent 5 runs at the crease together before the younger Englishman fell to the very sharp bowling of Amin Khan.

MCC Black threw everything they could at the silver-haired veteran, including fill-in keeper Butt’s attempt at an ‘Arsehole’s Stumping’. For readers unfamiliar with the term, this involves stumping the batsman without having the cricket ball at all, then picking up the ball and hitting the stumps as the batsman walks out of his ground back to the pavilion, believing he was (already) fairly dismissed. Merely accompanied by a boundary-less Wembridge, Deverill carefully steered MCC Gold to victory with an unbeaten 33*; the target reached with a mere 8 balls to spare.

 

Many would argue that cricket was the real winner, but this author would suggest that is bullshit. MCC Gold were the clear victors of the day, and the winning captain would like to have at least one victory credited to his captaincy record in this life.

The other victors were of course those who managed to hold a good view of the two young women in lycra attempting to practice yoga next to the track. To the shock of those of both Black and Gold, Des inexplicably chased them away in what can only suggest was a moment of sheer madness, as it is highly unlikely these fillies will be accompanying the MCC for team sports throughout the long, hard, throbbing winter.

Wendi-Meg Breward

Another beautiful hot, late summer day, to welcome the Crossbats, a touring team from England consisting of players older than 50 with a single 40 year old exception. They had special kit made for the trip which was labelled “the fear the Wurst tour”. A very social MCC team had been selected and a large amount of cool fresh was stocked in the changing room fridge. Captain for the day Butt lost the toss but persuaded the opposition to field first as they had never seen or played on a Flics pitch before. MCC opened with Weston and Altmann who scored quickly from the very friendly bowling until Weston was out caught for 51 with the score on 79. His replacement, Wembridge took a considerable while to play himself in and when Altmann retired out for 57 in the 16^th over after a partnership of 42, had contributed four runs only. Sestan come in at number four, having spent some time at the indoor training quarters during the week, to be comprehensively bowled by the third ball faced. Next in was Bowes who took the opposition’s name to heart for one ball too many as after tonking a six he too had his stumps shattered. While all this was happening Weston was dive bombing the players with his super new drone and took some very impressive videos of the game.

 

 

 

After Bowes departed Elias came in to play some cool defensive shots but then he too joined Sestan in the duck race, bowled by Trigger. Captain Butt, far from the entrance door to the 500 club but promising to bash it down next season, hit a couple of sparkling fours then went having scored nine from nine balls faced. Bhavsar came and went too, falling to the cries of the hoblins and goblins carousing in the duck race chambers and MCC were 170 for eight wickets down. In came Michahelles, for his first innings of the season, having piloted himself in from Outer Mongolia or some such exotic place and shared a partnership of 15 with Wembridge finally being bowled for 1 by Monica having faced 19 balls. Wembridge had now woken up and begun to despatch the ball to the boundary. Having scored 11 from 59 balls he hit a six and a four from consecutive balls and never looked back. He and Kantor put on 82 for the 9^th wicket, Wembridge retiring on 72 to allow Gattinger to take the field. He and Kantor put on 12 for the final wicket of which Gattinger scored 8 in two almighty hits for four.

There was a lengthy tea break, food provided by Bhavsar with guidance from Bowes and a truly magnificent iced chocolate cake baked by Sylvia Wembridge. It was superb and seemed to go well with the cool fresh which had been well sampled since the game started.

 

During the tea break we were approached by a young man called Aneesh Kotru who said his uncles used to play for our club back in the earlies. He is studying for his masters in Munich for the next couple of years and will join us at training next Friday. If he is as good as Ashok and Rajan we are in for a treat.

MCC opened their bowling attack with Butt, who began with a maiden, and Bowes, who didn`t. The first wicket fell in the fourth over, a run out by Kantor/Butt with the score on 13. The new batsman Pest Piet was bowled by Butt for a duck with the score on 18 and that was it for a long time. MCC bowlers really didn`t look like taking wickets and it fell to Michahelles to get another run out in his first over, Wembridge doing the honours. This was in the 15^th over and it wasn`t until the 35^th over after just about everyone had been called on to bowl that the next wicket fell with the score on 127. In fact Butt got two wickets in this over. The 6^th wicket fell to Bhavsar in the 37^th over and the Crossbats finished on 153 for 6 after 40 over and a most enjoyable, friendly game.

There were three presentations, during and after the match, the first being a pair of red gloves claimed by Mudassir.

Next an MCC stump signed by the team was presented to the opposition who responded by presenting one of their touring caps to the most blatant sledger in our team – stand up James Kantor

Finally the wide-boys award for 2014 and 2015 was given to George Michahelles for an outstanding performance in those two seasons.

After clearing away all the cool fresh and Helmut’s return we quickly vacated the ground and headed for the Chinese Tower to admire the night sky.

Weston, 51, caught, 4 overs, 0 mdns, 15 runs, 0 wkts

+Altmann, 57*, retired,

Wembridge, 72*, retired

Sestan, 0, bowled, 5 overs, 1 mdn, 23 runs, 0 wkts

Bowes, 9, bowled, 5 overs, 0 mdns, 28 runs, 0 wkts

Elias Beresford, 0, bowled, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 17 runs, 0 wkts

*Butt T K, 9, bowled, 8 overs, 4 mdns, 9 runs, 3 wkts

Bhavsan, 0, LBW, 6 overs, 1 mdn, 11 runs, 1 wkts

Michahelles, 1, bowled, 3 over, 0 mdns, 9 runs, 0 wkts

Kantor, 23*, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 25 runs, 0 wkts

Gattinger, 8, stumped, 3 overs, 1 mdn, 4 runs, 0 wkts,

MCC, 259 -10 in 39.1 overs, beat Crossbats, 153 – 6 in 40 overs by 106 runs

MCC MOM: A. Wembridge.

Another first for MCC as it was the first real fixture Burghausen have ever played, only appearing in the Serendib sixes before. They are captained and organised by Salim Ibrahim who played a couple of games for MCC a few years ago and whom we met on the way to Zuoz on 2015. He also played for Tegernsee and scored a ton against us when the Gore returned figures of 0 – 75 or thereabouts. Be that as it may, MCC captain Wembridge wearing a colourful shirt of fish swimming above sunken ships in the nether regions of his groin, and a non-standard colourful cap, looking rather like Jacob of the many colours, won the toss and chose to field first, opening the bowling with Khan Maihwand and Barrett. Khan underlined his position in the wide boys table as did Barrett who bowled a maiden before going for 32 runs from 4 overs. Deverill and Khan Waqas took over the attack and the first wicket fell in Deverill’s first over with the score on 61. He had flown in from Singapongers that morning and had been observed on the Singapore Airways flight from Manchester to Munich. No more wickets fell until the 20^th over when Butt came on and bowled superbly, getting two wickets in his first over making them 142 for three down. Ayub gave support and got his first wicket in his first over to make it 142 for four down. Ten runs later Ayub struck again and 19 runs after that there was a good run out by Khan Mahmud taking them to 173 for six wickets. A partnership of 61 followed and was only broken when captain Wembridge shed the non-standard colourful cap he was wearing, which had helped him to set the standard for dropped slip catches, and brought himself on to bowl . He took three wickets in his only over leaving them on 235 for nine wickets. Khan Maihwand came back on and got the tenth with one run only added to their score.

After teas provided by Bowes MCC opened the batting with Khan Mahmud and Colling who put on 24 runs before both went back for more tea to be replaced at the wicket by Butt and Ayub. A partnership of 40 runs followed until Butt was caught for18 off an ex-Pak Orient player, Murtaza, and gave way to the captain. He hit a magnificent six to impress Lady Wembridge then decided he wanted to chat to her and was out caught. Deverill, full of Singapore Slings, came in and shared a partnership of 30 with Ayub who then fell c&b to Ibrahim for 52, the top score in the match. Ayub had been complaining for weeks that his red batting gloves had been left with the away kit in my cellar. Would he have scored more using them?

Bowes stayed a short while with JD, narrowly avoiding increasing his lead in the duck race and made way for Barrett who played a test match innings scoring 5 from 18 balls in 20 minutes leaving MCC 144 for seven down. Ottmankhil came, hit his trademark 6, but then left to make way for Imtiaz who hit a couple of great sixes in his 15 off 14 Balls. Deverill departed for 21 and Imtiaz went for 15 so poor Waqas finished 0 not out without facing a ball

 

Khan Mahmud, 6, LBW

Colling, 12, bowled

Butt T K, 18, caught, 5 overs, 0 mdns, 17 runs, 2 wkts, 1 catch

Ayub, 52, caught, 6 0vers, 0 mdns, 30 runs, 2 wkts, 2 catches

Wembridge, 8, caught, 1 over, 0 mdns, 3 runs, 3 wkts

Deverill, 21, bowled, 6 overs, 0 mdns, 35 runs, 1 wkt, 3 catches

Bowes, 1, bowled, 1 over, 0 mdns, 17 runs, 0 wkts

Barrett, 5, caught, 4 overs, 1 mdn 32 runs, 0 wkts

Otmankhil, 7, bowled

Imtiaz Ahmad, 15, bowled, 1 over, 0 mdns, 18 runs, 9 wkts

Khan Waqas, 0*, 7 overs, 0 mdns, 39 runs, 0 wkts

Number of dropped catches: 7 (one because the fielder was chatting with the photographer hoping for a Bollywood contract)

MCC, 175 for 10 in 32.2 overs lost to Burghausen, 236 for 10 in 34.4 Overs, by 51 runs

MCC MOM: Ayub M.

The fixture was arranged originally against PAK Augsburg but they bailed the day before the match. Fortunately the Breakaways are always ready for a game and two T20 matches were arranged as our second game against Serendib was also cancelled on the previous Wednesday. The Breakaways won the toss and chose to field first , MCC opening the batting with Sarma and Kantor – who had actually lost the toss standing in for captain Weston. Kantor trudged back to the pavilion in the second over, quickly followed by Bowes in the third who usurped the MCC II captain`s position at the top of the duck race table. After 3 overs MCC were 18 for 2 wickets down. A partnership of 53 for the third between Weston and Sarma showed everyone how to run between the wickets, making 0s into 1s, 1s into 2s and 2s into 3s. Weston went for 13 with the score on 68 and made way for Elias Beresford. His lack of experience batting on a Flicx wicket showed and shortly afterwards he was replaced by Colling. After 19 runs were added Sarma left having scored 46, the highest score of the match and the same as his not-out score of the week before against Erlangen. With just over 100 tuns on the board in the 16^th over, Colling left the field, Altmann and Sestan put on another 10 before Altmann made way for Blades who faced a no-ball, a wide, tonked a four and was then out caught with the score on 119. Barrett went for three leaving Maihwand Khan playing his first game for MCC and Sestan to bat out the over with the score on 123.

There was a good party atmosphere at the ground with mums and dads from all four corners of a circular globe – Australia and Canada among them. The party atmosphere continued after the matches when 25 of us went for a Ruby Murray and surprisingly met Andy Wembridge there having a sneaky meal all alone – or so he thought.

A short tea break, a plentiful spread provided by Colling – but remember the non-pork eating members next time – and MCC opened the bowling with Maihwand and Blades. Maihwand made a determined attempt to head up the wide boys table and Blades got a wicket with his second ball. After six overs the Breakaways were 33 for 1 and bowlers Altman and Barret took over. Barrett got a wicket but also got tonked going for 28 from his three overs and, after 11 overs, they were 72 for 2 wickets. Beresford and Sarma now took over the bowling chores and were soon among the wickets, Sarma getting 2 and Beresford 3, two of them from consecutive balls. He didn`t get a hat-trick and this time it wasn`t his dad who dropped a dolly on the hat-trick ball. Colling bowled the 17^th over and went for 8 runs leaving the opposition needing 5 runs for victory. Blades came back on for his fourth and the figures were 1, leg bye, 1, leg bye and 1 so once again we finished second to the Breakaways.

 

 

 

Sarma, 46, caught, 2 overs, 0 mdns, 15 runs, 2 wkts, 1 catch

Kantor, 1, caught, 1 catch

Bowes, 0, bowled,

Weston, 13, caught, 1 stumping

Beresford E, 1, caught, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 23 runs, 3 wkts, 1 catch

Colling, 13, caught, 1 over, 0 mdns, 8 runs, 0 wkts

Altmann, 10, run out, 2 overs, 0 mdns, 10 runs, 9 wkts

Sestan, 1*

Blades, 4, caught, 3.5 overs, 0 mdns, 14 rus, 1 wkt

Barrett, 3, caught, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 29 runs, 1 wkt, 1 catch

Khan Maihwand, 1*, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 22 runs. 0 wkts

MCC A, 123 for 9 in 20 overs, lost to Serendib, 124 for 7 in 17.5 overs by 3 wickets

MCC A MOM: A. Sarma

The second fixture of the day against the Breakaways who were replacing Serendib, the team that bailed on Wednesday. MCC won the toss and chose to bat, opening with Butt – rejuvenated after his exhaustion from the previous week – and Khan Amin. Butt joined the duck race and was replaced by Ayub who put on 22 for the second wicket with Amin then departed to make way for Toke. Khan Amin went shortly after and was replaced by captain Alagh, in great fettle after losing his place at the top of the duck race table. He put on 13 with Toke including yet another boundary four for the second week running but then gave up his place for Khan Mahmud. He scored 4 then inexplicably charged the bowler, missed the ball and was bowled leaving MCC B 55 for 5 wickets in the 10^th over. Otmankhil came to the crease and thrilled us all with a splendid 6 followed by a 4 and was then out. Barrett replaced him playing in the second game too as did Elias because of some MCC baillages and no-shows. Barrett doubled his score from the first match going for 6, Waqas Khan added to his position in the duck race. Elias was run out for 3 and Imtiaz finished on 0 not-out after not having faced a ball. MCC were all out for 91 after 17.3 overs.

After a short innings break MCC opened the bowling with Khan Amin and Khan Waqas. They bowled very tightly but were wicketless and were replaced by Toke and Imtiaz. Toke got the first wicket in the 7^th over, a very good stumping by Butt and his second on the 9^th over leaving them 39 for 2 down. Three runs later there was a good run out, the ball first being returned to the non-strikers end then down to keeper Butt to complete the run out. In the 12^th over Imtiaz got his wicket – a spectacular catch by Okmankhil – and the Breakaways were 56 for 4 so needed 36 runs from 8 overs. No more wickets fell and despite trying a range of bowlers, Ayub, Barrett and Butt, the Breakaways ran out easy winners in the 17^th over.

Butt, 0, bowled, 1 over, 0 mdns, 15 runs, 0 wkts, 1 stumping

Khan Amin, 10, bowled, 3 overs, 1 mdn, 7 runs, 0 wkts

Ayub, 8, caught, 2 overs, 0 mdns, 15 runs, 0 wkts

Toke, 15, caught, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 18 runs, 2 wkts

Alagh, 6, bowled

Khan Mahmud, 4, bowled,

Otmankhil, 12, caught, 1 catch

Barrett, 6, bowled, 1 over, 0 mdns, 4 runs, 0 wkts

Khan Waqas, 0, bowled, 4 overs, 0 mdns, 15 runs, 0 wkts

Beresford E, 3, run out

Imtiaz, 0*, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 15 runs, 1 wkt

MCC B, 91 for 10 in 17 oivers, lost to Breakaways, 92 – 3 in 17 overs by 7 wickets

MBB B MOM: P. Toke

Another T20 friendly against the Breakaways scheduled to start at 15:30 after the BCV T20 semi-final against Erlangen. However the best made plans of mice and men gang aft aglay and the game actually started at 16:20 so we knew we would earn Helmut`s displeasure. We are lucky this season to have the Breakaways always ready to play a game as next year, when they are in the league, their availability will be compromised.

The Breakaways won the toss and chose to bat, MCC opening the bowling with Mahmud Khan and Toke who both got tonked (or Toked?) – after four overs the score was 44 for 0. The two Khans Amin and Waqas took over the bowling and were much tighter, after 8 overs the score was 63 for 1 wicket. Next on were Ayub and Imtiaz who also kept it tight and were among the wickets too, Ayub finishing with two and Imtiaz with four. The final overs were bowled by Imtiaz and Usman Sandhu and the Breakaways finished with 111 for 9 down after 19 overs – they had ten players only.

After a short innings break MCC began their assault at 17:50 opening with Otmankhil, who had taken a good stumping to move to the top of the stumping table and Amin Khan of cross-batting fame. Otmankhil was in test match mode, Khan in T10 mode but throughout the innings we never came close to the run rate required. The first wicket fell at 29, Amin Khan going for 26 from 13 balls in the fourth over. Next to go in the 8^th over was Otmankhil having scored 7 from 15 balls. At the crease now were Kerr, playing his first game for the club and Ayub, MOM in the earlier T20. Ayub went for 1 from 7 balls in the 10^th over and Kerr for 9 from 14 balls in the 11^th over with the score on 48. Usman and Mahmud Khan were now at the crease but not for long. Mahmud was run out in the 13^th over having scored 5 from 11 balls while Usman was run out for 4 from 6 balls in the next over. Captain Alagh made a brief appearance scoring 2 from 2 balls and was followed in the same over by Imtiaz, also 2 from 2 balls, the score at the end of the 16^th over being 68 for 8 wickets. After three balls of the next over the rain increased to heavy, Helmut returned after a day out and insisted we leave because it was already past 7pm so the game was abandoned.

Otmanknil, 7, LBW, 1 stumping

Khan Amin, 26, bowled, 2 overs, 0 mdns, 7 runs, 1 wkt

Kerr, 9, bowled, 1 catch

Ayub, 1, bowled, 3 overs, 0 mdns, 15 runs. 2 wkts

Sandhu, 5, run out, 2 overs, 0 mdns, 13 runs, 0 wkts

Khan Mahmud, 4, run out, 2 overs, 0 mdns, 28 runs, 0 wkts, 1 catch

Alagh, 2, bowled,

Toke, 5*, 4 overs, 1 mdn, 19 runs, 1 wkt

Imtiaz, 2, bowled, 4 overs, 0 mdns, 17 runs, 4 wkts

Butt, 3*

MCC, 71 – 8 in 16.3 overs nearly lost to Breakaways, 111 – 9 in 19 overs before the game was abandoned.

MCC MOM: Imtiaz (not usually awarded in an abandoned match but we would have lost by a large margin had Helmut not intervened).