Zuoz 2004

Zuoz 04 – The final straw tour

Lovell – impeccable behaviour throughout. Great putting on practise green despite back troubles. Car locksmith. Great kip in back of Volvo with leather upholstery. Provider of 3 crates to ease the journey – yet to be reimbursed. Tour quote – ‘its just tough shit’.

Blades – reformed character, concentrating on his cricket. Although he did let off some steam with impromptu streak after presentation. Last tour, the final dig. It’s official.

Bradley – so bored with scoring and general pointless nature of postage stamp cricket he took the opportunity to open Bar Des – ‘where everybody knows your name!’ A cracking business venture profits guaranteed. So happy with bar takings after driving all the way down in Dutch oven conditions he volunteered to do the same all the way back. Got involved in a wine session with the Winterthur scorer and showed him ‘who’s the daddy!’

Houlahan – packed a mean punch in the van? Minimal. Pathetic really. Great 50 first game.Quiet as a mouse during the whole tour though. Took advantage of stray hotel foyer during early hours. Let himself down somewhat with unfortunate ‘playing in shorts incident’. Got to raise game and rid himself of blue wifebeater singlet too. European cricket sages have nominated him for MCC’S ZUOZ MAN OF TOUR 2004.

Gale – shadow, cardboard cut out. No dingle. Burnt like a beetroot by mountain sun early doors. Awesome 50 first game. Passenger in Power’s car which didn’t break down. Broke Sembi’s bat- bully. Pointless.

Bostock – tried to take advantage of jailbait weakness. Sloppy. No dingle. Most impressed by winners acceptance speech. Another deviant in ridiculous wifebeater singlet.

Power – drove there in sports car, spotted in dorta 3am looking sober and trying to up the ante. Took victims with him as usual, notably young Gale, Mcgree and Hooligan. Stays pace well, doesn’t look for excuses. Huge foldaway chair next day helps his cause though.

Parry – Jagermeister. Pointless – out of depth trying to play big boys games. Needs to raise game or simply adjust to married life and tax issues. Last overseas outing for the unironed crumpled ‘cricket’ shirt?

Sembian – still very keen but didn’t go to bed in his whites this year allegedly. Drop in standards. Should have scored a hundred in final game. Reduced to tears by Gale’s bat breakage.

Mitcham – Bob. Responsible behaviour. Obviously couldn’t ‘pull off’ Lovell’s Hawaiian shirt look though. Wardrobe lacking in potential – very tacky heroin washed-up look. The days where he was likened to the singer from ‘The Verve’ are long gong. Should have scored a hundred in the final game.

Mcgree – very sleepy on Sunday morning for some reason – Jagermeister? Poor catching. Sitters – droppage of. Quiet man.

Khanna – Popular guest at Bar Des. Regular there by end of tour. Members only. Added the nurdle and the firepoke to his batting repertoire on day 2. Excessive snoring banished Kiwi to the dorm corridor early doors.

Holmes (&Andrea) – coupled up. Came down on train (short trip) together for honeymoon weekend break. Came round the mountains. Have camera will travel and fall over over Zuoz fence. The hitman Holmes successfully passed Blades’ character test. Congratulations.

Knut – where the fuck were you? Ve av vayz ov makin u come on tour next time?!!

Ps. Cricket not really worth a mention in my considered opinion. I do recall some good batting by Mssrs Hooligan, Gale, Bob Mitcham and Sembi but other than that nothing springs to mind aside from two incredible run outs by to-be later English thug. Weather reasonable most of the time. Golf course coming along slowly. Driving range shut to allow postage stamp cricket. We came third. The winners escape me as by that stage the second crate beckoned and even more importantly England v France in EURO 2004. But that’s another story. The End. Amen. Shabash.